


Drifting Irresistably

by the_secret_wordsmith



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Friendships, Exam Stress, F/M, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, James Potter & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape Friendship, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Pre-Relationship, compassionate james is compassionate, guilty lily is guilty, imposter syndrome, jily, or the aftermath of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 09:35:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30137553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_secret_wordsmith/pseuds/the_secret_wordsmith
Summary: It's the start of sixth year and Lily is struggling. Her friendship with Sev is over but regrets still linger. Collapsing under the combined weight of exam pressure and guilt over prolonging a friendship with a bigot, Lily finds real comfort and compassion from the most unlikely place.As for James? Well, he would do just about anything to stop Evans from feeling so distraught. She deserves better, after all.
Relationships: James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	Drifting Irresistably

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WanderingBandurria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WanderingBandurria/gifts).



> Thank you V for inspiring me to write this. Your artwork is as beautiful as your writing. <3

Lily Evans settled herself down by the library window with a sigh. It had been a long and exhausting day. Sixth year had barely even started and she already knew that she was going to fail all of her NEWTs. In Transfiguration today she had had to pull open her textbook at what felt like every other word McGonagall said about their first NEWT topic, scouring the book for something – _anything_ – that would help her make sense of Animagi.

And then Potions had been worse. Potions, supposedly her best subject, her favourite subject, had turned into a twisted hell.

It wasn't Slughorn's fault really: after all, how was he to know that she and Sev were no longer friends.

At this reminder, Lily sniffed loudly, drawing disapproving looks from the few other overly-studious students already using the library on the first day of classes. She restrained herself from sticking her tongue out at a particularly snooty looking seventh-year Ravenclaw and instead returned her attention to the textbook she had opened at random.

It was her Potions book: _Advanced Potion Making_. But of course.

She couldn't do this. There was no way she could do this. Lily slammed the book shut and thrust it unceremoniously back into her bag as she scrambled to her feet. This was all so bloody pointless. She was stupid and a fraud and there was no way on earth she was ever going to be able to understand anything ever again.

Stupid Potions. Stupid Lily.

She bit back a sob and flounced out of the library to the sound of the seventh-year Ravenclaw's dramatic huff of disapproval.

Lily wandered through the corridors and almost headed back to the Gryffindor common room. But then Marlene, Mary and Dorcas would see she was upset and ask her what was wrong. And she'd have to tell them. They'd be kind, of course they would, but Lily couldn't bear it.

All those times they'd told her to drop him and she'd ignored them, ignored _everything_ : all the obvious, so bloody obvious, signs that Severus Snape was just not a good person. She'd ignored it until it was impossible not to.

Lily couldn't put this on her friends, her  _real_ friends; not after everything, so instead she turned away from the stairs up to the Gryffindor common room and went a different way.

As she came down into the Entrance Hall, she glanced over to the steps down to the dungeons and quickly looked away, striding hastily across to the doors out to the grounds. It was still early in the evening: the sun low in the west but still fully above the distant horizon, throwing the world into the golden other-wordly glow of dusk.

Lily walked away from the castle, her mind drifting irresistibly, unstoppably, back to this morning.

“And that leaves you with Severus,” Slughorn had said, moustache jumping slightly as he beamed down at her. 

“Professor, I'm quite capable of working alone,” she'd replied quickly.

But that hadn't been acceptable to Slughorn.

“Not this early in the year, Miss Evans,” he'd said, voice sterner, “Potions at NEWT level is significantly more time-consuming than OWLs. You need a partner.”

Everyone else had paired up already. It was inescapable. Lily glanced over to Mary and Dorcas who had already paired up, and Marlene had dropped Potions after OWLs, so in the end she'd really had no other choice that morning.

A cool evening breeze ruffled the grass as Lily slumped down in a small knell a fair distance from the castle. She only had two years left at Hogwarts and then there was the real world, a dark and dangerous place beyond the protective charms of Albus Dumbledore. Voldemort was gaining power and influence, easily manipulating the naïve and ignorant.

No, Lily chided herself. Severus was not naïve. Nor was he ignorant.

“ _Bastard,_ ” she whispered, fist clenching, tired eyes scowling at the darkening grounds. How could he be like that?

No, she chided herself. How could  _she_ have been so stupid not to have seen, not to have realised?

“But I did,” she said, voice soft and broken. And now the tears came unstoppable. Her body shook and her fist turned into trembling fingers, shaking hands and legs and arms and damn him, _damn him_.

“We both want to pass this class,” he had said, voice colder than it had ever been before, “Let's make this work.”

“Of course,” she'd replied, nose in the air, eyes unable to look at him.

Now Lily wondered if the real reason he hadn't ever rolled his sleeves back, not even for the messy job of slicing gnarl roots, was because he had something on his forearm worth hiding. She stopped crying, shocked by her own revelation.

Surely not? Not so soon, surely?

“Not my business,” she hissed to herself. But it was. She'd tolerated him. She'd tolerated his anti-muggle bigotry. She'd tolerated his intolerance and now she felt like such a fool, such an idiot! Or if not a fool, then something worse. She hadn't been unaware, just selfish.

Selfishly wanting to keep him even when everything he did, he said, he thought, hurt her and others like her.

And now she had the worst of both worlds: she'd lost a friend, but she was still burning up with grief and guilt and anger, _always_ anger.

“I'm so tired,” she murmured and held herself tighter, leaning her forehead down onto her knee and blocking out the slowly greying world.

An owl hooted somewhere and she looked up, blinking in surprise. How much time had passed? It was a lot darker now, and she could see the moon, round and large and full in the sky. Lily slowly untangled her entwined limbs and thought about standing up. She really ought to get back inside. It was late and dark, and there were rumours that a werewolf roamed the forbidden forest each month. She should go.

But she was so tired and all that waited for her in the Gryffindor common room was impossible compassion from friends who were more than entitled to say _I told you so_. And the fact that they would never do that only made it worse.

Lily deserved to be punished for it, for keeping him when he only caused pain. Look what his close friend, Mulciber (and Lily even shivered at just the thought of that creep) had done to Mary last year.

 _Severus Snape_. Lily wanted to scream: she missed him, but she shouldn't.

“Lily?”

The voice was soft, gentle in a way that she'd rarely heard it be before. She rubbed hastily at her eyes and looked up to see James Potter standing above her, outlined by the glowing moon.

He blinked and sat down next to her, concern lining his face as he took her in. Lily was too tired to even pretend to be alright.

“What are you doing out so late?” She asked him, voice hollow.

James scratched his neck, “Well, I could ask you the same.” He gave her a look, “Lily, are you ok?”

First name terms, huh? But she was too tired to bring it up and besides, James looked genuinely concerned for her well-being.

“I'm just...” she began and trailed off. She could feel the tears again, prickling her eyes, and part of her wanted to hide and hide and never let anyone see. But then she happened to glance over to him and his eyes were warm and kind and oh so gentle.

Her shoulders shook as she gave in to the sobs.

“Lily,” James said, voice torn, and he leant over to place a hesitant hand on her shoulder, “What's happened?”

She wanted to tell him but the sobs wouldn't stop. So instead she held herself tighter but it wasn't enough, and then his arm was around her shoulder and she let him pull her into him.

The hug was awkward but Lily was grateful for it, more than she could say. She felt almost as though if he weren't holding her she might just burst, all of her innards splaying out across the castle grounds as she fell totally apart.

But James held her together and eventually her sobs subsided. She took a shaky breath against his shoulder, smelling something that was strangely reminiscent of horse, or maybe those fur coats Petunia had fawned over in that fancy London shop they'd gone to one time. Then she sat back and looked at him.

“You're right about Severus,” she said. And wasn't this the strangest thing to happen? Of all the people to find her as she fell apart over losing Sev, she'd never have bet on James Potter.

But he said nothing after she'd told him he was right: there was no arrogant crowing or jeering. He didn't even try to ask her out. Lily snorted: there was something oddly humorous about this.

“Not gonna say I told you so?” She asked, voice watery, and James shook his head.

“I hate seeing you so upset,” he said gently, voice earnest. Lily swallowed and instantly felt stupid. She was so stupid.

“And I'm probably going to fail all my NEWTs too,” she went on, turning away from James's soft expression to look up at the sky. Beside the shimmering moon she could also make out stars now too.

“No you're not,” James said easily, following her gaze to look up at the moon. She noticed him frown slightly as he saw it, then glance over to the distant forest before looking back to her, still frowning. “Lily, I don't know where this self-doubt is coming from, but honest, you're the smartest, most hard-working person I know.”

“Don't let Remus hear you say that,” she said, attempting to lighten the mood because something about James Potter being so serious and solemn was unnerving her.

James smiled reluctantly. “I'm sorry if you and Snape have fallen out.”

Now Lily properly laughed. “Sure you are, Potter.”

“I am,” James said and sighed, “Look, he's a git, and I'm glad you see that. But Lily, he was your friend and you trusted him. He meant something to you.” James drew a hand over his face and Lily couldn't look away. Her heart was beating unsteadily and everything felt frozen and still, like a quaffle about to drop.

“Lily,” James said after another moment's thought, “You've lost a friend, and you're hurting, and I hate that. I hate that so much.” He clenched his fist for a second and looked over to her. “I hate to see you in so much pain over this.”

Lily didn't know what to say. So she said nothing, instead tearing her gaze away from James and his sincerity to look back up at the moon. She still felt tired, so bloody tired, and she was still upset and angry and grieving for a friendship lost. But there was none of that guilt anymore, none of that shame anymore.

Eventually James cleared his throat, “D'you want to go in now?” He laughed awkwardly, “I just – it's bloody freezing now.”

Lily nodded, “Yeah, let's go in.”

She could talk to her friends about this, her real friends. Mary would understand. Dorcas would hug her tight. And Marlene would say something to make her laugh so hard it hurt.

The two of them got to their feet and headed back to the castle. At the door to the Entrance Hall, James stopped, looking up at the sky. Lily followed his gaze.

“It's beautiful, isn't it?”

“What?” James asked, head swivelling to her, eyes wide like a deer in the headlights.

“The moon,” Lily said slowly, and James nodded.

“Uh, yeah.”

“Shall we?” She asked, then frowned, “Unless you have somewhere more important to be at this time of night.”

It was meant as a joke but for one brief bizarre moment, Lily thought that maybe he did. He definitely wavered for a second, but then he glanced up at the sky one last time before turning back to her. She rubbed self-consciously at her eyes: no doubt she looked a right state with red eyes and blotchy skin from crying.

“Nah,” James said seriously, “Let's get you back to the common room, hey?”

Lily smiled, feeling a strange twisting in her heart.

As they walked back across the Entrance Hall she glanced over to the stairs down to the dungeon. But she didn't stop. She didn't hesitate: they were just stairs after all, and she could handle it. She smiled then followed James up the steps to the next floor.

Maybe there'd always be a small part of her grieving for her lost friend, but that was ok. She had other friends and, and here she looked over to James Potter who was humming softly to himself as they made their way through the corridors to the Fat Lady, who knew who else was waiting for a chance to prove themselves worthy of her friendship?

Hey, maybe she could persuade Potter to study with her one day? She'd heard he was particularly good at Transfiguration.

She considered the boy striding along beside her and wondered how much he knew about the Animagus charm. Perhaps he could help her with the parts of McGonagall's lesson that she'd struggled with today.

Lily Evans studying with James Potter? Well, crazier things had happened, right?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Comments mean the world <3


End file.
